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December 30, 2003
brace yourself.
i'm off to chicago in a matter of hours and, rather than recap the shenanigans of the D, i'll leave some eye-burning pics of our hijinks.
winks, larry, yours truly and emilijah sit prettily.
patrish and the ladies dance in the parking lot. wouldn't you?
o'doyle and winks flirt shamelessly.
larry and greggers realize that they both have teeth.
kidd gets accosted and likes it.
slappy new year's to all and to all a good night!
posted by jessica at 11:02 AM | Comments (0)
December 29, 2003
thoughts from the heartland
honest to god, this is the longest trip ever. not that i'm not enjoying myself, but i've still got another week in chicago to go! thank god for cheap old navy sweaters. i underpacked my little arse off. amazing, considering i'm lugging a suitcase so big that i can fit in it.
i had the inane pleasure of catching the michael jackson interview on 60 Minutes last night (go ed bradley, go! show him how a real black man looks!) and, i must say, as a makeup junky myself, i don't even wear that much eyeliner or lipstick as pink as that man does. the most interesting tidbit of the interview, other than his still-adament proclamation that it's totally cool to sleep in the same bed as random little boys, was mj's accusation that he was "manhandled" during his arrest. funny, i thought michael would want to be manhandled. yuk yuk yuk. while his complaints that his handcuffs were so tight that his wrists still hurt (awww, kind of like the psyches of all those kids you effed with) were amusing, the night's true humor rested in his claim that he was locked in a bathroom for 45 minutes--and not just any bathroom. to quote mister jackson: "there was doo-doo feces smeared all over the walls." wait, ex-squeeze me? did you say doo-doo feces? i think you did!
[the blueprint requests that someone please make a ghettotech mix on that, stat. i'm thinking something like hot 97's mix back in the summer of '01, when mj said "tommy mottola is a mean, he's a racist, and he's very, very devilish."]
posted by jessica at 08:06 AM | Comments (1)
December 24, 2003
christmas wrapping
i know's the chrismukkah eve and whatnot, but this is just too damn funny: blitzen the reindeer attacks a reporter.
posted by jessica at 10:02 AM | Comments (1)
December 22, 2003
i can't believe it missed it!
cali gets rocked by quite the serious earthquake. the epicenter was way north of LA, but apparently my sources have let me know that they could most definitely feel it in the city of angels. i'm a little upset that i wasn't there. seriously, i've spent 2 years out there and have only felt little rocking quakes, nothing to write home about. but the biggest one to date during my hell-ay tenure hits while i'm gone? whatevs! no fair!
posted by jessica at 01:19 PM | Comments (1)
chilling with kid rock and eminem
obviously that's what one does when they're schlepping in tha D. i'm home sweet home once again, making my tally something ridiculous like 10k miles since november. so close to my free domestic ticket i can taste it. while this flight was thankfully uneventful, i did sit next to another marine who was also fresh from iraq and this one had verbal incontinence as well. at least he wasn't a groper. so i'm home, and so long as i'm bored, i'll be posting here and there.
the lycos/google year-end tallies are in, and uncle grambo must be beaming: thanks to her pornariffic magazine covers, britney is back in the top 5 for 'net popularity. on a related note, the blueprint is totally up for internet homecoming queen.
urban hotness: method man and redman get a project picked up by fox. pilot season is beginning, kids, and my job is about to get a helluva lot more busy! whatever will become of my blogging?
clay aiken graduated from UNC this weekend. while i admire the human cheesy-pouf for finishing his now unnecessary special-ed degree, i have to question his signature haircut-grad cap combo. not that he ever looks particularly great, but this just looks terrible. simon could rip him apart for horas.
it could be so terribly bad that it's funny, but the osbourne's christmas special sounds like a freaking circus: britney will be in attendance, as will mike meyers and fellow reality fool, jessica simpson. this show had never had much reality in its mix to begin with, but this set-up is bordering on the absurd. it was all taped before ozzy went off-roading, so he'll be his doddering old self, no worries there. and they hauled in fake snow just for the occasion. this sounds like a real christmas to me: staged celebrations weeks in advance, crap celeb appearances, and fictitious weather to complete the mood.
posted by jessica at 08:09 AM | Comments (3)
December 19, 2003
settle down, trigger
whoa. i ramble just once about nothing in relation to jessica simpson, and i get emails all up in the hizzo. i'd like to remind everyone that this is a blog, not a well-thought OpEd column, so don't get your panties in a bunch. y'dig? sweetness.
it's a slow day and i don't feel much like posting so, um, maybe later.
posted by jessica at 12:29 PM | Comments (2)
December 18, 2003
not even tha man can hold my party down
some people think the apocalypse has something to do with this, but the blueprint knows better: the 18th horseman of the apocalypse has announced that p. diddy is to take a serious shot (pun intended) at the stage with a role in "a raisin in the sun." april on broadway will never be the same. i remember watching the danny glover version in 8th grade and man, did it depress my white adolescent soul. but this is far, far worse. take cover immediately.
in a desperate bid to stay on top of the ratings game, kylie minogue will appear on an episode of queer eye. fitting, seeing as she's like a young cher for the uk gay crowd and a total sex symbol for everyone else. everyone benefits from shameless self-promotion! hurrah!
michael jackson thinks jermaine's actually hurting his public image. oh, COME ON. touching children is hurting your image, you freaky jackass.
i was almost worried that tara reid was detoxing or something. but have no fear, she was spotted groping and stumbling in atlantic city--which is, as we all know, such a classy town. if page six refers to you as "raccoon eyed," you might want to reconsider your look. oh, and your career path, too. that doesn't seem to be all too impressive, tara. not even scrubs makes you tolerable.
posted by jessica at 11:06 AM | Comments (3)
December 17, 2003
listen up, this is the REAL best of list
I was perusing the blogosphere, as one is inclined to do during the slow hours, and I found a comment on 1115.org's backblog regarding the expectation for The Blueprint to have a Best of the OC list. Well, by golly, that there is a fab idea. With the help of my equally-obsessed friends, I present to you something truly worth reading:
THE BEST OF THE OC IN 2003
10. Ryans mom appears, gets drunk, falls on casino table: Lady Atwood, how hath you betrayed your son? The Blueprint is quite glad that mummy dearest showed up again, if only to further emphasize the ghetto-ness of Chino, but also because her behavior seals Ryans fate in Newport. 
9. Jimmy Cooper gets a whipping at Cotillion, has bad teeth: Leave it to the writers to quickly establish the ퟙdark sideퟘ of Newport high lifeembezzlement and Tate Donovans need for Crest Whitening Strips. ퟙThat was my life savings!ퟘ Punch! Cue Coops tears for her destroyed social life.
8. Chino returns to Chino, camera is transformed into a grainy, dull lens: Not only does his return reveal that Ryan was in a musical, but he gets his ass kicked by some thugs straight off of the set of Too Fast Too Furious, Marissa gets to see a prison (Neat! Do you think the inmates will like my ultraminiskirt?), and we learn that Chino is a scary place where everything is gray and muted.
7. Luke gets shot by Chinos new friend from Chino, becomes a nice guy: Nothing scares The Blueprint more than seeing Luke do his creepy-nice schtick. But a gun going off in the third episode? Now thats how I remember high school! 
6. Ryan gets upset at Marissa for being drunk, repeatedly slams car door in demonstration: Such a remarkable display of method acting, I dont know if Ill ever close my car door normally again. I cant wait to see how he reacts the next time someone drinkswhich will most definitely happen. This is the OC, after all.
5. Anything Seth Cohen says, ever: "Yeah, that's the mantra every year, and every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes. Nah, I'm just kidding, he pees in both of them.ퟘ "So when you lost your virginity, I wasퟏI was playing Magic: The Gathering." "It's pronounced, TEE-whana. Youre so white, mom." ퟙWith Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.ퟘ ퟙI didn't know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing or laughter.ퟘ ퟙMy father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.ퟘ
4. Lukes gay family crisis: Not only does this plotline treat us to a pornrageous shot of homosexual caresses in a car dealership, but it knocks Luke down to loser status and propels dialogue such as, ퟙI heard his Dads favorite show is Dawsons Crack.ퟘ ퟙNo, I heard its Everwoody!ퟘ Harbor Butt Pirates, The Blueprint has got yo back. And hey, lesson learned: gay dads have feelings too.
3. Ryan rushes to see Marissa before midnight, falls against the stairwell to check his watch in despair, busts in on the party in total slow-mo: While this is the most recent addition to the list, I cannot reiterate how truly powerful this scene is. Not only does Ryan prove his devotion to Coop by breaking a sweat (which miraculously disappears once slow-mo kicks in) and saving her from the clutches of therapy-punk Oliver, McG proves his inability to shoot anything without using his signature moves. The music, the whipping camera angles, the momentum of 2004. [blueprint wipes a tear from its bloggy eyes]
2. Coop ODs in TJ, Ryan lifts her lifeless body like a scene out of Platoon: What a stunner to leave us hanging during the World Series! Again, McGs whiplash camera skills come into play as she stumbles around drunk, but as soon as her body hit the ground, we were breathless. She had to be airlifted out of there, people. Airlifted! Oh, the humanity!
1. The line that launched a thousand ships.
ퟙYou know what I like about rich kids?ퟘ BAM! ퟙNothing."
posted by jessica at 05:10 PM | Comments (12)
I don't call it waiting.
Yahoo! News - U.S. Women Waiting Until 25 to Have Kids Like 25 is a postponement? Kids at 25? I don't think so! Try waiting until the last possible biological minute. That's the way Gawd intended it to be.
p.s. the blueprint wanted to briefly experiment with capital letters. we hear it's respectable.
posted by jessica at 04:45 PM | Comments (3)
keeping suburban moms informed
thank goodness for the multitasking barbara walters. once upon a time, she wasted her life being a real journalist, but now she's moved on to bigger and better things: the view, 20/20, and her softly-lit interview specials. she's been hard at work on the latter, the latest being her 10 most intriguing people of 2003. because she is barbara and can thus count how she damn well pleases, there are 15 people on her list this year. the list includes the usual, predictable celebs (beyonce, bennifer, nicole). the daily dish, in perhaps their most boring article to date, gets the skinny from mizz walters as to how she can possibly come up with 10 names (oooh, so difficult!). get this: she keeps a list. brilliant! innovative! fuzzy-camera work abounds!
iraq is one step closer to being all-american: pills, porn and booze are the latest floods of freedom. apparently, some people over there actually have the audacity to be upset about this! i find it hard to believe that iraqis would be so ungrateful to 1. object to the "inadvertant" slaughter of their civilians as a side effect of W's agenda, and 2. then be actually offended by the beautiful vices of freedom. gawd, you think they wouldn't want to be completely westernized or something.
IMDB is steaming today: lenny k's affair is confirmed by the babe's mum, winona wears a hunting cap to her court hearing, j.lo's got the flu, minnie driver's hooking up with a record exec, and ben stiller is up to date on his rabies shots. best. but of special note is the elijah wood bit, in which he discusses avoiding the mark hamill/skywalker effect. apparently, little wood will do his best to avoid being typecast as a hobbit for the rest of his career. if he's not careful, however, he will be typecast as a young and closeted kevin spacey type.
posted by jessica at 11:02 AM | Comments (3)
eating my words
fine, fine, ive got a list. but why get my opinions when everyone else's are more interesting? thus i present you with my meta-list.
THE BEST BEST OF LISTS FOR 2003
1115.orgs Best of 2003 - What can I say? Creative, not done in the usual 1-10 rankage style (like this one, obvs). Its practical, interesting, and ranks The Cheeseburger as one of the best things eaten in 2003. And thats why theyre my numero uno.
Rough Trades Top 100 of 2003 Why stop at 10 or 11 albums when there are at least a hundred worth checking out? They do an earnest job of insisting that theyre not connected to the label, but even if they were, itd still be a luverly, comprehensive list.
TIE: AFIs Movies of the Year & Rolling Stones 10 Best of 2003 Theres some crossover here, but Rolling Stone hits the pop factor and AFIs got the critical buzz. Between the two, youve got a real best-of list.
Amazon.com Top 50 Editors Picks While the reviews arent particularly deep, the list covers a nice array of styles and substance, without attempts at the usual overly-intellectual, pretentious babble like you know who. A good all-purpose reading list.
The Onions Least Essential Albums of 2003 - How could I not include this? God love these fools for pointing out the lunacy of year's end lists.
Style.com's best moments in fashion 2003 - So delightfully obscure to anyone outside of the haute couture crowd that it must be embraced. I dont even get half of it, but I sure wish I did. Cmon, Viktor and Rolfs 10th anniversary? You know its got buzz.
The Most Annoying Conservatives of 2003 In a year of the oh-so-liberal media, thank god the kids over at pandagon.net not only called out those we loathe, but ranked them in order of hateration.
Times Coolest Inventions of 2003 A great list every year. Insight into the tech-cool future and a wrap up of the years big happenings. And oooh, the pictures. Jess likes pictures.
SF Gates Top 100 Wines of 2003 And joy, theyre all affordable, too! A poor wino like myself needs this sort of thing, just to ensure Im always getting crunk in style.
Largehearted Boys Best of 2003 Indie, but not obscure, thus useful. Coolfers got it down for the obscure stuff but youll want to check it out, just so you can name drop when you rub elbows with the editors at NME.
Information Leaf Blowers Top 40 Bands in America Today A nice smack in the head to the blokes at the Guardian. Compiled from the ILBs fanbase, an unbiased list of whos who and excellent commentary.
posted by jessica at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)
December 16, 2003
bangers and mash
i've never heard of the smash hits awards in britain, but judging from this article, i can totally see why. considering some band i've never heard of won the "best band in the world ever" award and jt is the "most fanciable male," i don't think we're missing much over here (no offense to the one english person that seems to drop by the site).
i'm trying not to indulge in saddam commentary (other than voicing my fear that his capture will help W get reelected), but slate's timothy noah has made a fabulous connection between the name of the capture mission (red dawn) and a certain patrick swayze movie of the same name. great commentary on stupid military names, which i've always found to be more cliched than a sweet valley high book.
have i mentioned that i heart tina fey? while giving al franken an award, she happens to mention that ann coulter looks like a rat. a very skinny and conservative rat, but a rat nonetheless.
just when you thought the media's scope of coverage couldn't get any more narrow, jeff zucker is made head of all things nbc, including their cable outlets. so the next time you hit cnbc, expect some talking head to advise you to invest in good morning miami.
posted by jessica at 10:31 AM | Comments (1)
i am so ahead of the game
this week is going to be a busy one for me: holiday throw-downs, last minute shopping for my peeps out here, and packing for the longest trip back to the midwest that anyone could possibly tolerate. it was with such knowledge of events to come that i totally indulged in watching the OC a few days early--and dear god, i can't believe i held out that long! the tape's been sitting around since last week! but you know me, all moral when it comes to trashy teen dramas. i don't want to spoil the new year's eve ep for you, nor do i want to lose my job, so i'll just give you some hints:
CONS
1. no jimmy cooper
2. no julie cooper
3. no caleb nichol
4. no luke (!)
5. no fighting
6. no use of the phrase "butt pirates"
7. that creepy oliver kid doesn't seem to be going anywhere
8. marissa doesn't get drunk, OD, or steal anything
how, you may ask, could this possibly be a good episode? oh, i'll tell you how:
PROS
1. kirsten's wayward sister runs around in her panties
2. ryan has more lines in this one hour than the entire season combined
3. "captain oats is drunk on champagne."
4. a girl gang appears to kick some arse
5. oliver pronounces "mojito" like a true cubano
6. seth gets some action
7. "we know she'll have good coke and clean speed."
8. middle-aged swingers.
9. the last 60 seconds of the ep are directed in the total slow-motion/speed-up style that McG lives by. unfortunately, not unlike fastlane. but don't worry: it's breathtaking nonetheless.
posted by jessica at 09:27 AM | Comments (2)
December 15, 2003
do we even want a spokesperson?
Why Doesn't Gen Y Have a Spokesperson? hmmm, says foxy jess. quite a pointless little web lissner weaves, although it is interesting for the sake of discussion. lissner cites plenty of younger, successful authors (jt leroy, zoe trope) as potential candidates, as well as jonathan safran froer (who clocks in as the older, wiser writer at a whopping 26). methinks, however, that it's a bit too early to go searching for a spokesperson. after all, i would say that with a few of the aforementioned exceptions, our/my generation is too young to write a reflective piece that 1. speaks to all of us and 2. captures the here & now and 3. will be considered hemingway for the millenium kids for years to come. furthermore, i refuse to believe that an author who runs around in a blonde wig as a means of disguise or a disaffected teenage lesbian can be considered representatives of our generation. not to discount their opinions, voices, or gift for the written word, but i refuse to accept either as the voices of a generation coming of age. at some point, the literati will be forced to accept that certain blogs (not necessarily mine, obvs!) have a better grasp and genuine perspectives of what's going on amongst gen x, y, or whatever than professionally-published offerings from misspelled amazon lists.
posted by jessica at 12:58 PM | Comments (2)
slow news day
or maybe i'm just apathetic. probably a little bit of both. i'm totally drained from writing, having spent the better part of the last week writing various asinine essays in an effort to sell myself to people i've never met. fabu.
the AP interviews the world's only real hobbit, peter jackson, on his reflections now that the LOTR hubbub is at its end. pj also discusses the possibility of his involvement in the potential filming of "the hobbit," which, fyi, is the only tolkien book i've ever read and i'm mighty proud of that. i've had one brush with peter jackson and it was at the sharper image or brookstone or whatever at the beverly center--and, for the gazillions this man makes, he was wearing a black puffer jacket with a giant piece of duct tape on the back, poorly covering up a ridiculous hole. god bless the people that couldn't care less about appearances, but if i didn't know better, i would've offered him some spare change.
hott christmas idea right here: get the new jimi hendrix action figure before it's gone!
notes from the six-months-behind-it-all department: i finished the devil wears prada last night, and while it was an easy and enjoyable read, i still have some lingering issues with its author, lauren weisberger. i'd like to think the book's main character, andrea, is merely a character, but as everyone knows, the story parallels weisberger's experience at vogue as an assistant to anna wintour so closely that i find it hard to believe that there's very much fiction in the protagonist's narrative. with that said: lauren weisberger, you are ungrateful and snooty. god forbid you get to work at 7 AM. fashion is still a helluva lot cooler than popular mechanics, so count your blessings. so you had to run ridiculous errands--you were in a chaffeured towncar and you got out of the office, so suck it up. really, who do you think you are, aspiring to get through the doors of the new yorker at 23? and finally, even if you worked for the most demanding, nastiest woman on earth, you still had a year on the inside. poo on you and your free designer clothes, missy...yeah, your book was good, but only because it was about the famed editrix. so don't let the fact that i even read it get to your head, okay?
posted by jessica at 12:17 PM | Comments (5)
sony's gotta give
a pleasant surprise from the box office: "something's gotta give" comes in first after the weekend. considering the amalgam of flicks it went up against, my props go out to jack and diane (two american kids living in the heartland--what ever happened to john mellencamp, btw?). this is also sony's 9th no. 1 opening for the year; too bad their overpriced gadgets are bringing the entertainment wing down. it's also too bad they picked a flick with questionable authorship; now the lawsuits are a flyin'.
cable in hell-ay is absolute murder on the wallet, but gawd i love it. oxygen is bringing back absolutely fabulous, complete with new eps to curb my insatiable hunger for drunk british mums. patsy, i've been waiting for you...
apparently dale peck and i have something in common: neither of us were all too impressed by Angels in America. yes, admittedly, it got better after the first 90 minutes, but last night was just a bunch of loose ends. it was powerful and an amazing drama, but it needs to be on stage. big diff between a play and a screenplay, and you can't just swap one for another.
note to lauryn hill: try not to offend everyone in an entire city. the rapid decline of her mental state is all too apparent (as if her babble on her unplugged album wasn't enough), as she pulled sinead and dissed the church while she was performing at a vatican benefit concert. brill.
if colin farrell is unhinged and needs psychiatric help, i think i might be of assistance: stop drinking, yo. you're making my liver hurt.
posted by jessica at 09:38 AM | Comments (0)
December 12, 2003
i knew it.
scientists identify a drunk-ass gene in worms. apparently this is an important step in the fight against alcoholism, but i think it's just another sign that we are biologically predisposed--no, predetermined--to get crunk all the time.
posted by jessica at 06:00 PM | Comments (0)
"apologies are for wimps."
i can't believe i hadn't seen swimming with sharks before last night! everyone's favorite early 90's actor, frank whaley, plays a naive assistant to kevin spacey's fab rendition of an insane and abusive studio exec. the film did a great job of articulating hollywood philosophy at its worst. admittedly, the general quality of this film as a piece of cinema isn't so hot, but for me, it was a cathartic viewing. totally one of those movies that hollywood made because they knew people working in hollywood would like it, if no one else.
yech. trista and ryan's wedding racks up 17.1 million viewers--the largest number for a televised wedding since chucky and di. i'm not surprised, really, but i am confused: what in the world is ryan wearing in this picture? did i miss a fashion-trend memo or something? is that a single, flowery sleeve? inexcusable.
paris hilton is beating out bonnie fuller in the week's online poll for media person of the year. huh? bonnie fuller actually is a media person, and paris, last time i checked, is just a media whore. i demand a recount!
hurrah! damon albarn announces blur to record and release a new ep in the upcoming year. while think tank was definitely a gold star on blur's forehead, it lacked the giddiness of earlier releases. parklife quite literally propelled me through an entire summer.
so much movie hotness this weekend: the girl with a pearl earring, big fish, something's gotta give, AND stuck on you drop today. foxy j will not likely be at any of these films, as she'll be schlepping to studio city for a taping of everyone's favorite tgif sitcom (20th is everywhere, oy). i've decided that, although i haven't watched tgif since i was 10, this is indeed cool because it's my first time on set. long overdue, yo.
finally, if you're trying to get me something for chrismukkah and my amazon list is leaving you uninspired, i think that i could really use this. then i might understand why my dog is seriously insane.
posted by jessica at 10:09 AM | Comments (3)
December 11, 2003
where is the love?
well, if she's not throwing down at tangiers in los feliz, courtney is most definitely getting her court date delayed for reasons not known. i'm glad she at least cleaned herself up a bit before the hearing.
from the like-this-is-going-to-make-things-any-better department: if jacko loses his kids as a result of the abuse charges, his parents will adopt all three children. wow, soooo not a good idea. yeah, let's let joe jackson raise another kid, since he was so great at it the first time around. [ed--the blueprint apologies for the double MJ exposure today, but these items could not go unmentioned.]
america's favorite patriot, ja rule, makes a staten island appearance to say farewell to deploying troops. does anyone find this as breathtakingly poignant as i do?
not so-hot review for "stuck on you," the latest farrelly flick. bummer, yo. i'm still going to see it (corporate loyalty is so hot right now), but i'm a little worried: what if the movie is indeed bad? what if shallow hal was the beginning of the end for my favorite idiot princes? i'm so scared i can barely breathe. the consequences are heartbreaking to ponder.
finally, genuine apologies for craptastic blogging the past couple of days--but, like i said, the blueprint is not, in fact, my paying job. so, like, i gotta like prioritize or sumthin'. word.
posted by jessica at 05:22 PM | Comments (1)
dear god!
if jacko hadn't had plastic surgery, he'd look like this.
link courtesy of sleep not work.
posted by jessica at 02:13 PM | Comments (0)
back from the dead
and ready to resume blogging. who knew that work would be so much...work? then there's those nagging applications due, like, now, and i need to do chrismukkah shopping and...gawd. i'm so tired! whatever, you don't care about this shizz.
i had the sheer displeasure of catching the billboard music awards last night (only as an alternative to trista and ryan's fake-ass wedding) and honestly, i couldn't watch more than the first hour. after triumph the insult comic dog made his appearance ("pooping on justing timberlake just makes him stronger!"), i knew it would be downhill from there (if that's even possible). jessica simpson and nick lachey did "color commentary" intermittently throughout the broadcast, which involved jessica playing up the dumb blonde stereotype. smooth pr move, mizz simpson. let me get this right, jess: you came off as a total ninny when you were being taped around your mcmansion, so you did some interviews and claimed you were just acting. and now, to further reinforce the fact that you are only pretending to be lightheaded, you go on live television and imitate your newlyweds banter? just to humor you: if you were playing a role on the show in the first place, why are you making a farce of your thespian skills? i'm so confused that it's almost meta, jess, almost. also, on a side note, those bangs you're sporting have got to go.
if you haven't caught arrested development yet, you simply must catch on before you're deemed a sqaure. it's freaking hilarious. and it's official: liza minnelli has signed on for at least 6 episodes with the project. a few of them have already aired and, i must say, she is a fabu addition to the show. i'm not a big liza fan, but her character is nuts and she's a riot. if you're not feeling liza, pay special attention michael cera, who plays jason bateman's son (named george michael, ha!)--great comedic timing. fox just picked up this show for the full season, which is nothing short of a miracle in this awful year for network tv, so tivo it while you watch angels in america. obvs.
go listen to the sounds. they're 80s pop and i will most definitely be blaring them while i cruise in my vw rabbit convertible en route to the beach. excuse me while i tease my bangs and don my plastic jewelry.
posted by jessica at 10:14 AM | Comments (4)
December 10, 2003
i miss college
because of stuff like this.
(spanks to ultragrrl for enlightening us all.)
posted by jessica at 09:19 PM | Comments (1)
apparently i am expected to work.
instead of a real post, i'll leave you with a question: what happened to my sistah nelly furtado? she used to be such a cutie pie.
posted by jessica at 03:00 PM | Comments (9)
bad news bears
perhaps my 12 hour workdays aren't getting the job done, as the shizz is hitting the fizz here. posts apres lunch.
posted by jessica at 10:22 AM | Comments (1)
December 09, 2003
no buzz whatsoever
it's 9pm and i'm STILL AT THE OFFICE.
posted by jessica at 09:00 PM | Comments (0)
artistic differences?
say it ain't so! the coolest union in the past 5 years, sofia coppola and spike jonze, is coming to an end. being a fan of each artist made me a fan of the marriage and it's really too bad it didn't work out. spike is a fool for letting this one slip (obvs i have to blame the guy, it's the estrogen in me); if i had the finances, i'd gank sofia's clothes and lifestyle in a second. SWF-stizz, no doubt.
perhaps the incredibly faux marriage of trista and ryan has sent negative repercussions throughout cupid's quiver, because andrew firestone and jen whatever have called it quits as well. what the hell is going on here? are j.lo and ben actually going to be more stable than reality-show contestants? 
speaking of the overexposed and quickly dropping a-lister, what's up with this pic of lopez at the KIIS Jingle Ball? What kind of look is she going for? german milkmaid with a couture twist? santa's spicy latina elf? i don't get it...
y'know, it's the end of the year and everyone and their grandmarm seems to be making their "best/worst yadda of 2003" lists (i could link to dozens more if i had the wherewithal). well, i'll tell you right now: in a bold blogger act of defiance, i will list nothing. my taste ain't that haute and frankly, i wouldn't list anything of any surprise to anyone. so, instead i will just declare for the umpteenth time that Room on Fire is the album of the year for me, and only me. it was written for me, okay? it's mine, with all of its synth and flaws and artful cruddiness. it's my piece of great-if-not-so-groundbreaking music, my not-so-original-sophomore-effort, and i will love it for all that it is and isn't. it's my album to sing to, my album to scream to, my album to imitate in acapella, bobby mcferrin-style renditions. so there.
posted by jessica at 11:30 AM | Comments (5)
way to uphold a stereotype
little miss melena picks pretty mama's boy jason as her...um, whatever. that's the thing with this show: no promises, nothing on the line--so the season finale was little more than anticlimactic. i was most definitely at the partizay, which was so overflowing with half-recognizable reality tv "stars" that i was wickedly amused without the aid of adult beverages. in attendance: most of the west coast average joes, including dennis & mark (world's favorite rock climber and egg on the skull), and about 7 others whose names i didn't remember. 
i had my first (of many, no doubt) paparazzi pic (at right--and i'm sitting, so no, i'm not a dwarf) and i mugged like a hilton sister, were she to have worked a 10 hour day wearing clothes from the gap. the two hunks that were cut, nameless 1 and nameless 2, were also in attendance and could be overheard calling jason a homosexual. natch. unfortunately, i couldn't hear much of anything in the bar (which, while quaint and cool, is still not known for it's amazing television viewing, let me tell ya) so i can't give a rundown of the intriguing dialogue, but i did catch this choice bit:
Melana: So do your parents cook for you?
Jason [who still lives at home]: Um...uh...yeah...sorta...yeah.
later, during an interview...
Jason: Yeah, I was nervous when I first met her, 'cause, like, I didn't know her. So I didn't know, y'know?
best moment in the show: jason desperately maneuvering their horses so they could share the least romantic kiss ever.
nice job, miss missouri. you ditched an "average" millionaire for an appleby's waiter who lives with his parents in freaking irvine. shallow in the wrong way, girly.
posted by jessica at 05:00 AM | Comments (5)
December 08, 2003
ain't no party like a monday night party
because a monday night party's got the average joe season finale. i've been getting evites all up in da place for this biz, and i've gotta go. at the last party, ms. sarah kozer (aka joe millionaire runner-up and foot fetishist) made an appearance and now that this fiesta's gone press-release stizz, i just might have to take one for the team and go.
doesn't george w have enough reasons to be paranoid? why bother with a millionaire white boy? NME reports that eminem is part of a secret-service probe for an underground song entitled "dead presidents." in the internet recording, em says something about rather having the prez dead than rap for money (the dead presidents, obvs). oh em, aren't you aware of the patriot act? eschewing cash is an act of terrorism.
ozzy osbourne claims he was on heavy meds during filming of "the osbournes," thus accounting for his constant stupor. oh, that the decades of drug abuse and ant-snorting.
posted by jessica at 12:24 PM | Comments (1)
we the kinda people that make the club get crunk
in a move that is oh-so-4-years-ago, the supreme court allows rosa parks to sue outkast for using her name (under some namby-pamby right-of-publicity law) in their bootyshaking hit song. i'd like to officially announce that this is a damn shame. rosa parks, while still alive, is a very public figure of historical significance and, as such, should not have the right to sue someone for making a song that truly has nothing to do with her other than its hook. and god, that song had such an impact on me in college: many a night i would be slumped against a wall, stuck in some awful "what's your major" conversation, and then "rosa parks" would come on. suddenly, i was free to run off without a word and shake my thang on the sigma nu dancefloor with hundreds of groping young men. and that, my friends, is meaningful. back off, rosa.
stella mccartney's label reports something like a $7 million dollar loss. ouch! first tom ford and dominic de sole fly the coop, and now the high fashion darling is seriously in the hole. while de sole says this is all part of the company's business plan, it sure doesn't look too fab. the gucci group should consider a strategy before my hijacked sunglasses become 99-cent store material. obvs.
caught bad santa and elephant this weekend and the reviews are in: bad santa is delightfully naughty (i'm typing that in a british accent), with only a small moral at the end of the story. billy bob thornton is absolutely hilarious. this is only a christmas movie in scenario--no feel good fuzzies here, just lots of drinking, smoking, and stealing. (check out the guardian's commentary on this) elephant, on the other hand, struck me as an over-indulgent attempt by gus van sant to make a sensitive, pseudo-fictitious piece on the columbine tragedy. not even "natural" sound effects, time-lapse photography, or focusing on the "dramatic" minutae of high school life can make the matter work on screen. i appreciated the efforts to point out the small horrors and awkwardness of being a teen as a means of launching into the film's violent end, but it just didn't work. it was far too passive for the material, but then again, i don't know if another approach could've worked. lesson learned: you just can't make a movie, not even the artsiest of indie flicks, about this stuff.
posted by jessica at 09:42 AM | Comments (2)
December 05, 2003
confirmed
gwynnie and chris martin applied for their marriage license today in santa barbara. (spanks to Has for this hottness)
posted by jessica at 03:04 PM | Comments (10)
in case you wondering how the academy doles out oscars
being a young'un and all, i'm admittedly a bit green in showbiz. and this is my first oscar season as a part of the "industry," so i'm relishing every issue of the hollywood reporter and variety as if it were my last. but today is a little overwhelming, as it's the reporter's oscar preview issue. for your pleasure, i've decided to give a rundown of the oscar "for your consideration in blah blah categories" advertising in today's 100 page issue:
Cover: "Seabiscuit"
Inside cover: "Love Actually"
P. 2 & 3: "Cold Mountain"
P. 5: "Mona Lisa Smile"
P. 6 & 7: "Peter Pan" [ed--wtf??!]
P. 9: "X2"
P. 11: "21 Grams"
P. 12: "The Station Agent"
P. 13: "In America"
P. 17: "The Missing"
P. 19: "House of Sand and Fog"
P. 20: "Kill Bill Vol. 1"
P. 24 & 25: "Something's Gotta Give"
P. 26: "Japanese Story"
P. 28: "City of God"
P. 30: "The Barbarian Invasions"
P. 31: "The Human Stain"
P. 32: "The Return"
P. 33: "LOTR: The Return of the King"
P. 34 & 35: "The Last Samurai"
P. 36: "American Splendor"
P. 39: "Singing Detective" & "Northfork"
P. 41: "Pirates of the Caribbean"
P. 42 & 43: "Matrix Revolutions"
P. 45: "Lost in Translation"
P. 47: "Radio"
P. 49: "Monster"
P. 50 & 51: "Mystic River"
You know what? Forget it. This is gonna take forever. You get the idea.
posted by jessica at 02:43 PM | Comments (0)
get it right, people.
how many people does the nyt have to erroneously declare as dead before the general public admits that the publication is most definitely not reliable? seriously, i think i fact check for the blueprint more than the obit peeps do over there.
alex petridis (or is it petri dish?) reviews damon albarn's new LP, democrazy, over at the guardian. consider me out of the loop: i had no idea, as petridis claims, that albarn is more hated than noel gallagher. i didn't think that was possible! but i guess i can understand why he's disliked--although, as a self-professed anglophile, i can't hate any talented man with a british accent. anyone know when the disc is dropping on this side of the pond? the insanely mixed review has me intrigued.
today's affleck dig: ben claims he is, quite literally, a ten minute man. granted this originally came from the sun, which is a notoriously fabulous skewer of all things dishworthy, but it's still so best without even trying. speaking of celebrity pseudo-relationships, page six insinuates that lenny might not be so loyal to nicole. jesus. can't we leave them alone? wait, they're fabulously rich, so no. absolutely not.
is anyone else as excited for angels in america to premiere on sunday as i am? i never was so fortunate as to catch it on stage, but with this cast, hbo's production might be an extremely close substitute. if they eff this one up, i'll lose all hope in television as an artisic venue. [ed--i've pretty much lost hope to begin with, but hbo et al. keep my little flame burning.]
finally, if you are unfamiliar with glamorama, you should most def stop by. not because its editor, polish mike, is trying to mack on me and posting hideous pictures of yours truly, but because he's concocted a marvelously creative "discussion" of what constitutes a great band purely from excerpting people's emails (also making me quite glad i didn't write much). brill.
posted by jessica at 11:00 AM | Comments (1)
December 04, 2003
geriatric rock wars
keith richards calls jagger a sellout for accepting a knighthood from the british empire. is anything you do after 40 considered selling out?
in development: "crash," a potentially star-heavy flick that mixes traffic and pulp fiction. could be effing awesome, if sandra bullock weren't showing interest. my man don cheadle is most def in on this project, and i'm hoping he won't want to blow his chops on a speed freak.
hewlett-packard plans on jumping on the online music bandwagon, apple-stizz. they'll have an online store and a player similar to the ipod. and, if it's cheaper than an ipod, i'll buy it. i can't afford an ipod (hint hint). put that on my chrismukkah list, along with a tivo and a canon powershot or the casio mofo.
i hardly go to my overpriced gym in the middle of westwood because of traffic caused by crap like this. hollywood, you want me to be skinny but you're making me fat.
posted by jessica at 03:50 PM | Comments (6)
thank god for someone else's tivo
due to the wonders of modern technology, i viewed last week's OC, the simple life, and the most recent OC in under 90 minutes. so best. i think i might have an unnatural obsession with television right now. oh, wait, it's my job. cool. naturally, i was taking notes on what paris had to say and, while she was hardly as stupid as she was in the first ep, she still had some choice things to say during her first (and last) day of work on a dairy farm:
"i've never worked a day in my life."
"i can't believe i'm up right now. this isn't even cute."
"ewww, it stinks. do you get used to this smell?"
"who knew you could wake up a cow with a bell?"
"do you hate us?"
why yes, paris, i do. i'm glad you asked.
re: the OC--jess is a half-breed just like Seth Cohen, so Chrismukkah has been a part of her life for as long as she can remember. this was a very special episode for me. want to know what happens next? go here. meanwhile, i have to figure out who this blogger is. buzz, who are you? let's get drinks and drive to chino. you know you want to.
posted by jessica at 12:34 PM | Comments (14)
i wanna be a dance commander
i learn something new every day: electric six is the D's answer to the darkness. dodge denizens probably already knew this, but i'm three hours behind over here, so it's news to me. even their websites share a cheeky rock-god vibe. me gusta.
not that either of the aforementioned bands are nominated, but they just announced the grammy nominees. album of the year contenders are predictable: missy elliot's "under construction," jt's "justified," "fallen" by evanescence, "elephant" by the stripes, or the outkast double disc "speakerboxx/love below." hmmm. is this really the best we've got? maybe the latter two, but seriously, the grammy's have become so hip hop (which is dope, yo) that all other artists of merit are edged out. i think this little award is losing its prestige more and more each year.
everyone's favorite organization, NAMBLA, claims that harry potter is most obvs gay. in a scholarly paper posted on their website (which is disturbingly not blocked on my corporate web access), they've not only taken the time to detail all references to homosexuality (harry lived "in a closet" under the stairs) but they've also defiled poor little ron weasley as a "fairy-boy."
affleck loses the celebrity poker championship to willie garson (aka stanford on SATC). (ed-did anyone actually watch this?) poor ben--first he destroys his public image, now he can't even enjoy his vices properly. the end has no end, buddy...
reason #435 that i love/hate my job: spot assistant walking around with a giant cutout of paris h.
posted by jessica at 10:12 AM | Comments (4)
December 03, 2003
celebrity skin
for your purely intellectual pleasure,a brief history of celebrity porn, courtesy of the vv. thank god this is a straight up debriefing on the naughty flicks and not some sort of half-assed analysis of our obsession with the cult of celebs. which speaks for itself right here and there and everywhere, to be exact. [ed--linkage ganked from the latter, obvs.]
posted by jessica at 01:00 PM | Comments (0)
For xmas, please just remove my skull from my stomach.
you can almost picture thousands of bedazzled old ladies rushing to buy tickets for his homecoming as i write. roy (as if i need to clarify his last name or affiliation) wants to make it back to vegas by christmas, at which point he will enjoy potato dumplings with siegfried. i wish the following excerpt was a parody, but it's not:
Siegfried Fischbacher points to improvements in Roy Horn's condition--he can breathe on his own now, for example, and has been able to communicate via notes.oh, and in case you were wondering, montecore the tiger is at the duo's compound, eagerly awaiting roy's return home. i'm predicting a legal union by new year's day in vermont.
"The first thing he wrote was, 'It is good to hold your hands,' Fischbacher recalled. "And last night, he wrote that he wanted a Madonna CD."
posted by jessica at 10:40 AM | Comments (1)
hump day blahs
is gwennie preggers? new kid on the gossip block, lloyd grove, claims that she was nearly bursting out of her dress, leading one to believe that she may have a bun in the oven. or it could just mean she's actually eating. paltrow also admits that she's a lightweight--meaning she's prob quite easy, boys, after a few beers. get her while you can!
snicker, snicker, snicker. trista rehn, aka the overly-cutesy bachelorette, is being sued by her former manager. apparently she owes him quite a bit of cash for turning her into a wedding planner's dream. beeeyotch maximus, yo.
apparently spammers are slipping some classic literature into their penis enlargement propaganda. i don't even read my spam to see if this is indeed accurate, but bbc tech claims that these lit quotes help the spam sneak past filters. on a related note in the same article, some bloggers are using their spam headlines to create poetry for their blogs. muy intersante in a post-modern not-so-artsy way. although i could eat my words on that one were i to see something better than what's posted in the article...
posted by jessica at 09:10 AM | Comments (1)
December 02, 2003
the exploitation of the banjo
despite her gnarly, gross-sounding voice and freakishly bony knees, i'm transfixed with the train wreck that is paris hilton. here's a rundown of the best of paris from ep1 of the simple life:
burning questions
"what's a well for?"
"what does generic mean?"
"who the hell eats pig feet?"
"what's a soup kitchen?"
"what's wal-mart? it's like they sell wall stuff?"
"you can get ticks out here? like a dog?"
notable quotables
"this is so ghetto."
"people think i've never worked a day in my life."
"i've never seen anything like this."
"ewww."
"oh, barf."
"i will not pluck anything but my eyebrows."
posted by jessica at 09:02 PM | Comments (1)
i can't go on like this
it took me 30 minutes to drive 5 miles. can you imagine what it's like to go through every day of your life driving 10 mph? hell, people. it's hell out here.
told ya so. last night's "riveting" ep of average joe had melena going special ops on the guys by wearing a fat suit. she was absolutely unrecognizable and was thus able to see what her joes were "really like" when ladies aren't so pretty. aside from the whole cheese-riddled mission impossible-stizz of the episode (phase 1: makeup: cue spy music), i was impressed that melena was indeed transformed. secret cameras taped the guys reaction to the "fat chick," who was supposedly melena's cousin. zach's performance was the best of the night, as he designated the "cousin" as a "DUFF," as in a Designated Ugly Fat Friend. wow, zach, smooth move--you dumbass! you're on a reality show! there are cameras EVERYWHERE, even when you can't see them! so he got the boot, natch, because he looked like a shallow prick. in defense of him, however, i must acknowledge that we all know guys say some shizzy things that they don't necessarily mean when their en masse. nevertheless, it's reality television, so all's fair.
the hollywood peeps are having an anti-bush party tonight. not too juicy, but agents and lawyers and liberals, oh my!
journalistic priorities nowadays are truly awe-inspiring (no offense, grizz). during a press conference at the UN for an AIDS-related fundraiser, Jermaine Jackson is so bombarded with questions re: jacko that he actually runs away. while initially this had me laughing so hard that i shot coffee out of my nose, a second thought has me feeling rather saddened by the whole episode. a pandemic virus? who gives an eff. a freakish man-child with a taste for young boys? now that's life-changing news.
have i mentioned my love for the sun uk? today's top gossip story: posh spice has had her teeth done. ah, the differences in acceptable standards of beauty. it's kind of cute, really, those quaint brits.
the simple life premieres tonight.
posted by jessica at 10:08 AM | Comments (2)
December 01, 2003
hard to explain
when i tumbled off of my plane last noche, i had a disturbing voicemail from someone we'll call johnny, a guy i only know because he was an old friend's college roommate. i've seen johnny maybe 4 times in the past 6 years, so suffice to say, i don't have his number, i don't know where he lives, and the only contact i have with him is through my old friends that i see maybe twice a year. i saw him on thankgiving eve at the bar and we talked for about 7 minutes. you get the idea. nevertheless, i have the following VM from johnny:
"hey jess, it's johnny. bob [aforementioned mutual friend] gave me your number. listen, i've been getting a bunch of calls from a little kid who says he's your cousin and, um, he's asking me some really lewd questions. so i'd appreciate it if you'd tell the kid to stop calling me. thanks."
um, wtf? is that a joke? johnny and i do not have the sort of jokey relationship (or any relationship, for that matter) that would make something like this appropriate and, to boot, he sounded extremely pissed. i don't have any cousins and i don't know any little kids, so i'm afraid i can't help johnny. but i am, more importantly, extremely disturbed that someone is using my name for these purposes. if my name is going to be spoken during a dirty phone call, you best believe i'm the one saying it. any free sleuthing on this matter would be appreciated.
posted by jessica at 03:46 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
the biggest of '03: my head
i caught part of the VH1 Big in '03 last night and i have to say that is was SO EFFING INANE. amusing at times, fine, but not consistently enough so as to justify its existence. i'm getting a wee bit tired of staging awards shows just to display celebrities chuckling over their self-congratulatory antics. all i really care about are the outfits, so obvs the whole broadcast can end after the red carpet shizz.
speaking of inane but mildly humorous awards, everyone's crazy uncle, Don Rummy, is honored for sticking his foot in his mouth. the exact phrase that earned him this award from the uk's plain english campaign:
"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know."
aah, just how i like my politicians: completely unintelligible. while the uk may find this deplorable, i think most americans find a sense of security in knowing that our leaders suffer from severe verbal incontinence.
posted by jessica at 02:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
parker posey, watch your back
official announcement: in case you hadn't noticed numero uno on my phonograph, ryan adams' current album is stark, raving hottness for me right now. i've never been an alt-country fan and therefore avoided his college buzz, although most of which was emitted by the gorgeous Glu, whose musical tastes are totally respectable. but now she can say, "i told you so." thanks to a decent review in a sub-par publication and a few singles i had managed to catch wind of, i decided that perhaps i might as well admit that the man had talent and picked up rock n roll at target ($12.99, totally worth checking out). while it's hardly a work of rock brilliance and still reverberates with a bit of the electric twang, it's catchy. mighty fine sing-along stuff; this is it and so alive in particular. and when i find something that effortlessly makes me smile despite the hideous traffic and crank up my beloved monsoon and isn't the strokes, i must give props. and don't even lambaste me for being pop/rock, because i already know i am.
[Ed--this rave has a lot to do with his scrubby attractiveness and oooh, those eyes!]
posted by jessica at 12:56 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
leftover turkey
there were a few things i wanted to post over my tgiving vacation, but few remain as a pressing as the thanksgiving dinner at the LA mission, where scores of volunteers, including jennifer love hewitt and alyssa milano, served yams to the homeless. good job girls. next time, howev, be sure to cover your forearms if they happen to resemble those of a hairy popeye.
so much buzz from the evil empire: roy disney resigns from the disney co. wow. aside from the irony that royboy was the only actual disney working on the board (or practically anywhere, for that matter), the story is that he left in a dramatic move of hateration against michael eisner, complete with a jerry maguire-stizz letter to the board. water-cooler topic in hell-ay for months to come!
aisha tyler and lisa kudrow have inked a major deal for sitcom development at cbs. seriously, though: after talk soup, friends appearances, and some of the worst standup in the world, i'm wondering if anyone else realizes she's seriously unfunny.
finally, my first post o' the morning would be remiss if i didn't mention what a fab time i had back in the D. my carousing with friends old and new was almost enough to make me long for a move back home (but then i woke up this morning and it was 70 degrees and sunny, and i slapped myself for being so foolish). i spent some quality time with uncle grambo and his gang of thieves, all of whom are incredibly attractive and are most def going to make it on the blogosphere homecoming court. if i hadn't been roofied by mark on every occasion we met, i'd say he was a perfect gentleman. any and all questions regarding the contents of his medicine cabinet and his preference for styling products can be directed here. but seriously, thanks to all for being so damn cool and showing me a good time, yo.
posted by jessica at 09:58 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
